Stock is taken and stacked upon these library shelves,
volumes of events that make up four decades
and though I remember very little, 
the broad strokes remain, (the paint thinner
applied frugally enough to leave behind
smears of once vibrant backgrounds
now only jagged splashes,)
constructing a life looked back upon.

I have been many things during this ever
evolving series of episodes, and though
I may yearn for the occasional rerun,
I am propelled by time to move onwards,
to absorb all learned lessons.

I have been joyous; 
my wedding day to a partner that forms 
another side to me, who cultivates me
and seeds the flowers within, a moment
I had desired, but believed impossible.
The correct other to a vague dream
that I woke up to.

I have been broken;
difficult moments of contemplation
where the abyss was considered a home
and abject cowardice prevented moving,
the lingering tendrils of that void still
wrap around my head as my heart
beats the chant of defence.

I have been confused;
the natural state of being a tireless exercise
in living amongst a world designed for
factory approved templates, 
my mould misshapen, 
my quality control loose,
but my conveyor still revolving.

I have been stupid;
mistakes and choices, wrong, unpleasant
thoughts that tumble around my centrifuge
as we both, my brains and I, query why
we said, or did, or considered
that, that world of lost opportunities
that formed from my ignorance.

I have been unaware;
people who wished for more, events
that could have granted similar,
places and times where the magical happened
and I did not realise until the time
of regret, of age, of during my
struggle to recall and recollect
that which slipped.

I have been content;
serenity in consumption and creation
have fanned my inner flames, 
whipped the embers that reside
beneath my cauldron, itself
a big and bulky mess, but tended to.

I have been lucky;
The magoos in games form but a tip
of an iceburg of luck, under this surface
of existence these times fortuitous
through random chances that were
never my equations.

I have been me;
We are complex, nuanced, tapestries
of fibres colourful and patternless,
And I am a human,
I am the same,
but only I am me,
and only I can be me, 
and while its not easy to be me,
I have been a form of me, 
for now